I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about the way the choices we make effect our lives. There was a nice post over on Seattle Simplicty the other day that started me thinking. She was discussing how a friend had bought a very large house and now doesn’t have money to travel. I made the following comment:
“Life is all about tradeoffs isn’t it? I think the issue is that most people haven’t stopped to think about what is important to them, and what they can and can’t have and then conciously made decisions on what tradeoffs to make. You (and I, and a lot of folks who frequent both our blogs) have looked at our lives and made some decisions based on these tradeoffs. And from most of what I’ve seen (and read) we are happy with our choices. The ones who seem unhappy are the folks who have made a choice (like maybe that big mortgage) assuming they can have it all and not really considering the ramifications. “
I realized that I had quite a bit to say on the matter, so wanted to talk about it a bit more here.
It seems to me that a lot of folks just plain old don’t consider their choices from more than one angle. Using the example of a house, a lot of people look for as big and plush as they can get financing for in a decent neighborhood. They are thinking of the kids having their own rooms, and a big backyard to play in, and the bonus room dolled up as a gameroom. They don’t stop to consider how paying that mortgage will effect the rest of their lifestyle in the long term. If you don’t consider that, then you are not truly making and informed decision. And don’t get me wrong-every person is different and for some people the house really is the most important to them. But I think there are many more people who soon regret buying something so expensive and wish they had a slightly smaller place and more funding for other areas of their lives.
Personally for me, at this point, having my family live the lifestyle that we enjoy is the most important consideration. I want to have the time and resources available to do the things that I enjoy doing. So for me that means I want to have quality time with my children and husband, opportunity to participate in both church and community theater, time to enjoy hobbies such as knitting, crafts or gardening, and time to cook healthful meals for my family. (notice keeping a splendidly clean house is not on that list. . . .) To achieve these things I am willing to not have as many new clothes and things, and to not go out as much, and to live in a smaller house.
I also am lucky/blessed that both DH and I worked very demanding jobs that took long hours but paid well for years until we started a family. We both made the concious choice not to be extravagant and to keep our debt low so that we are able to enjoy the lifestyle we want now without having to scrimp too much.
But looking at my own life and comparing it to family, friends and neighbors I can see that the way we have done things is not the cultural norm. So that brings me to another point, which is how do you instill these ideas in the next generation. They are growing up in a culture that glorifies and glamorizes spending and having. Consumerism is King!! How do I teach my children to be concious of the trade-offs that they are making in life?
At this point I don’t have any practical advice or anecdotes to offer. Buddy is only 3 and Princess 5. They still believe whatever I tell them at this point. I know that happy circumstance is not going to last forever š The best plan I can come up with at this point is to just keep talking about it and hope that after an expected period of rebellion in their late teens, early twenties, that they will come around and realize that what I’ve been preaching makes sense. What have some of you done?
We talk about money all the time. I think the kids (8 and 3) get sick of it.
My 3 year old has no concept of money. If we do not have something she wants and I say it is not in the budget or we do not have the money for it right now, she says “I have money” and digs up her pennies. It is about what I would expect from a 3 year old.
The 8 year old has a fair handle on the general conecpt. He understands eveything costs money, and we have a budget so we know where our money goes and how much. Our priority for the kids is private education, and the 8 year old hears a lot of “we would have the money for that if we were not paying for your school.” Usually he is fine without what ever “that” was (x box, all new clothes, new family car etc). He also understands about trade offs and money. The other day I offered him $10 to clean the bathroom. It was pretty gross because it is my husband’s job, and he has not done it in over a month. I’m very stubborn and refused to do it, even though I was getting worried about catching some dread disease. The 8 year old refused. He said maybe for $100, but he was pretty sure I would not pay him that much to clean the bathroom. he understood that some things are just not worth the amount of money offered for that thing.
We just try to put everything into a “choices” context. It seems to be rubbing off so far. Hopefully it will continue to do so.
It is always go to hear from you. Hope you were able to stay cool.
I just had a daughter 6 months ago. I am planning from now on how to handle money issues with her later. I understood the value of money much later in life, this is because it was always accessible for me…from my parents and from my job. Thus I told myself that whenever my daughter asks me anything, perhaps deny her 1/2 of the time. I hope in that way she will be able to appreciate some of the things she gets and learn to let go some of the things she cannot have. It is just a theory, let me know if it actually works!
My kids sound just like Evelyn’s! My four year old wants to take us out to eat with the pennies in her piggy bank. My eight year old understand money a bit better but he still wants things that are way out of range (like the $300 lego set I posted about a few weeks ago)
Maybe if we talk about it and put in the terms Jenn has mentioned for adults the will get it. You know if you buy this you won’t be able to get that. What is really most important to you.
Our big issue is debt. My parents have always used debt heavily and it something I struggle with now. I don’t want the kids to repeat the same mistakes!
Very good point. Life is a series of choices—looking at the big picture is always the smartest choice.
xoxo
Wonderful post!
Two comments:
1) You are, by your counter-cultural choices, teaching your kids. Seeing your contentment speaks volumes to them.
2) It’s good to be prepared, but a teen rebellion is not a foregone conclusion. I think all kids go through at least one “testy” period, but yours may not go through all-out rebellion.
My RX? Massive amounts of meaningful conversation. And don’t get sucked into thinking that your kids need you less as they get older. They need you more.
I talk about money a lot with my kids too but they’re older – 11 and 14 – so it’s easier to do now.
I agree with you that it’s all about choices. I’ve tried to place “we can’t afford that” in my vocabulary with “we’re choosing to spend our money on other things.” Truth be told there are a lot of things that we could afford but we can’t afford all of it, thus the choices.
Oh, I meant to ask…how’s the job going?
I feel that too many times people make decisions without even thinking of about it. It’s like the Latte Factor, where people don’t realize they’re wasting hundreds of dollars on a daily cup of coffee.
No kids yet, so no ideas about that. :-p
I think that television really contributes to the mindset that spending is a necessity. I remember reading that even preschoolers can identify fast food and soft drink company logos. Also, there is an amazing amount of advertising that occurs during shows as “product placement”, as well as during commercial breaks. Kids see their favorite characters/stars using X brand, and they emulate that. So I think that part of stepping back from consumerism (especially the “mindless” kind) is being very conscious of what you watch on tv or in movies.
I also think that letting the kids see the choices (in a kid-appropriate way) can help them understand the value of money. Telling a kid that you don’t have enough money for an item will very likely result in her saying that she has the cash, even if you don’t. Children don’t intuit motives, they judge by action. They need to see explicitly that you mean that buying X means no money for Y.
That’s why I think that even little children should have some of their own money to spend. Even a little child can experience wanting two pieces of candy but only affording one, which teaches them to set priorities. I think it’s ok to let them make kid sized mistakes too (like buying the candy and then not having the money for toys.) You can couple that with the concepts of budgeting and earning money, which little kids can also do (like doing extra help around the house that they would not be asked to do otherwise.)
When they get older, they can be exposed to more of budgeting/earning/saving money by setting a standard of what you will fund for an item and letting them use their own money to go above that. For example, if Payless sneakers are 10.00 but they want the 40.00 Chuck Taylors, then they have to pay the extra 30.00 for them. Of course, that will involve a trade off of something else they can’t get, which is a good teaching tool.
after all this great advice, you know I don’t have kids, right? š
Evelyn-I think that children understanding the trade off with choices is a very important life skill! We canāt have everything we want in life, if we think we can growing up then we have a very difficult lesson to learn later in life-one that can lead to a big debt load.
The Karns-I think it is great that you are already thinking about money. I think that a lot of issues with kids can be avoided if you think about how you want to handle them BEFORE they actually come up. ..
Stephanie-My folks hit the big debt issue when I was in Jr. High. . . We all watched them dig their way out, which made a big impression on me-thatās probably one of the reasons that I am so cautious about going into debt now.
Rebecca-Thanks! I do like to think that we are teaching just by our kids watching us-but I worry that there is so much media working on our kids in the other direction. . . I can control that now, but as they get older I will have less and less influence that way. Thatās why I think strong foundations are important now. As for the teen rebellion, Iād rather be mentally prepared and then pleasantly surprised at it not happening š
Family CEO-Hey, thanks for remembering about the job. Itās lot of fun. Iām making about $63 a week, and probably spending out about that in daycare, so it is a wash. But it is nice to get out, talk to adults that come into the shop, wear something nice, and be surrounded by pretty things. My bosses are really great guys and very flexible about my work schedule. All in all, itās been a good thing.
Collegsaver-I love that example about the latte factor. . . It is so true that people often make choices without thinking about it. We tend to think TONS about big purchases and then just fritter away a lot of money on the small ones.
Annab-even if you are childless, a lot of what you say is so true. Itās just a bit harder to implement sometimes than it appears š I do try to be conscious of what my kids watch, but as I said up above, it will be harder to control as the kids get old